Another one bites the dust - The Front Burner Rulez...

Well, baste me with butter and fry me slowly! Who would'a thunk it - another of those Beautiful Sea-side Mansions on Marine Parade, right next to the burnt-out hulk of the First Arsonical Episode of 2006 (by spooky coincidence), has Boint! Or, thanks to the ever-alert boyz and girlz of the Volly Fire Brigade, half-boint.

Now, young gulls, (oh, how rude, clean fergot to ID mesself - it's Aunt Sally Seagull blogging away here, don't all squawk at once, thanks), I do recall being told at a recent Peoplez Republic of Chch meeting on the topic of Revitalisation, that the said City Council are not responsible for the tenants of rented houses: their selection, or behaviour, or tendencies to the three 'A's' - Arson, Anti-social behaviour and Animality. And that's quite true.

But it does beg the question: if the said Council had an actual Plan which Evil Capitalist Developers (ECD's) could follow, when it proposed that "It is proposed that residential development on the beachfront be limited to developments in the order of 5 to 7 story (sic) apartment style buildings and that such developments occur close to the commercial area.", would this sorry state of affairs have come to pass? That Draft Master Plan was in 2002.

But, dear gullz, there was (can you believe this?) no such plan. Just a dopey, dreamy Envisionment.

So the ECD's who had gone and bought up lots of nice juicy sea-front sections, in the expectation that they could pop in to an architect and draw up a 5-7 storey block, toddle on in to the CCC, and get an approval after the obligatory to-and-fro and the payment of a substantial fee, were sorely disappointed. No approvals. You can, little fledglings, just imagine the conversation between an eager ECD and the ever-cautious CCC.

ECD: I've read your Master Plan, and like it so much I bought the sections already!

CCC: That's nice. New Brighton will be sooo revitalised what with (consults QV's Recent Area Sales figures) all that dosh you spent on them. What will you do with those old houses on them?

ECD: I'm going to drive a massive dozer right through them tomorrow and (pulls out a plan fresh off the printer) Build This! Whaddayerreckon?

CCC: (gives little nervous laugh) Why, ECD (can I call you E for short? we'll be seeing quite a lot of each other, you know), this here plan seems to have (counts on fingers) 7 storeys, or storys, as we refer to them in our Draft Master Plan. You can only build 3 there, 'cos that's the present L3 zoning.

ECD: Well, of course I knew that, but as your very own Master Plan clearly envisages 5-7, I just thought I'd go for it anyway. So, how's about a Non-Notified Consent, seeing as how you 'envisioned' precisely this sort of development anyway? And you will note, it's only a block from the Commercial Area, too! And (hastily places thumb across the Average Apartment Size panel) look how pretty the views are!

CCC: (second nervous laugh and quick glance over shoulder to check the exits) Well, E, I'll have to Consult my...my...Handlers! Shall we meet again in say, eighteen months?

ECD You mean, you little twerp, that the Master Plan for New Brighton Revitalisation isn't actually worth the paper it's mis-spelled on?

CCC: (Triumphant grin) Why E, I thought everyone knew that! It was a Draft plan, after all. So, what will you do in the meantime, while we run around like headless chickens and spend squillions of our ratepayers money on consultants and fear-mongers Consult our Citizenry?

ECD: Why, I'll rent out those beachside slums Seaside Mansions to pyschopaths, lurkers, hoons, arsonists and thieves and use a Rental Agency for Tenant Selection and Management (and rent collection, natch). And by the way, suppose that 10 storey plan comes through quickly, like next year, how would you enjoy first option on a penthouse apartment?

CCC: (stands on dignity and yelps briefly) Why E, that isn't the way we do things here. You cannot Buy your way into a scheme change! Well, not That way, anyway. We'll just take another - oh, say 4 years, and deliver a half-assed Scheme Change to allow little towers all up and down bits of the beach. But of course we can't guarantee timings: after all, the whole of Greater Christchurch will be able to object, because the Beach and Sandhills are Essential Tsunami protection, don't ye know?

ECD: That's OK, little minion. I have deep pockets, and the massive holding costs you are telling me about here, what with Interest on Capital Invested, not to mention those Overheads, will simply be put onto the cost of each and every apartment when we eventually get the go-ahead. In late 2009 or thereabouts, is my guess. Plus, of course, a Modest Mark-up. And a sign-up fee. And...

CCC: (small twittering noises) But, but, what about the Poor People who have an Entitlement to Water Views as part of their Community Involvement and part-time membership of the Association of Social Engineers? After all, the Central Commizat's Community's Draft Master Plan does envisage ".. a full cross-section of accommodation from the budget to the high-end, from aged care to single student/worker accommodation in a higher density..." If these apartments cost (quick calculations and a loud gulp) half a squillion each, how can these poor souls possibly afford their Rightful Share?

ECD: Beats me. Perhaps you could persuade your Council to buy a few boxes (on lower storeys, with Glorious Sand-hill views, preferably, they're gonna be hell to sell) out of the goodness of your hearts and the depth of your ratepayers' pockets. But tell me, is the notion of actually paying for them 'envisioned' in your Long Term Community Plan?

CCC: Er, um, not at this present juncture. For the Great Gull's sake, it was all we could do to save a few suburban libraries, let alone acquire expensive beachfront apartments at market prices. But (brightens up) perhaps you would like to donate one or two as part of - let's see - an Endangered Species Contribution?

ECD: Well, let's put that suggestion on, as we developers say, the Back Burner for now. Bit like your actual Plan, eh? Unlike our old houses, which we will leave, wink, wink, on the Front Burner.

And so, dear gullz, the ECD vision has come to pass. The Beachside Renters seem to keep getting trashed, then torched. It would be a brave gull who claimed that neither the ECD's nor the Clueless City Council were to blame.

Well, saves on D9 diesel expenses, it must be said. Pity about the actual ratepaying residents bringing up families next door.

And hey, look on the Brighton side! Lookit the Buskers! the Art! the Markets!

Why, Brighton's Revitalizing right in front of your eyes! (No, Do Not look south of Beresford Street on Marine Parade, Jonathon Seagull! That way lies Disillusion and Despair.)